This morning I lay in bed after the alarm went off, on the verge of falling back to sleep, and spirit shared with me that I need to let go of jealousy. Loud and Clear…
I have always been jealous. Not of what other people have; Not even who they are. I don’t want their life or the person they are with or even their things. I love my life and what I have, who I get to spend it with.
It’s my own insecurity. I pick myself apart; I compare myself; I resonate with not-enough-ness. You might ask yourself how a person can love themselves, be confident and secure in their beingness, and feel the exact opposite way at the same time. It’s like a great debate. And it’s all inside my head.
There are two sides of the story- two wolves, as the saying goes- and it just depends on which one I choose to feed in any given moment. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and again and looking for a different result, right? So, being that I know this is happening and I am doing it to myself, why haven’t I chosen differently?
This, my friends, is seek and never find. It’s the thought tailspin that keeps us distracted and prevents us from letting go of the behavior we so desperately want to let go of. We attempt to figure out the how, the why, the when, even how all of this happened… and how on Earth it happened to me; that’s specialness, a topic of conversation for another time.
This is the part that doesn’t make sense. This is the societal side of that that says, well, you should care, and you have to fix yourself or people won’t like you. Versus the spiritual side of us that gets to acknowledge the behavior, pattern, or insanity and go, cool, what’s for breakfast. The societal side says Figure it out; there’s something wrong with you; you are broken and need fixing. And the spiritual side literally just loves you, exactly as you are.
What’s my point??? It’s Type 2 fun…figuring this out in the moment before you go deeper into a negative headspace is still hard, but less challenging than pulling yourself out of 12 hours of negative thinking. In hindsight, we can see that these moments are beneficial to our growth; embodiment is figuring it out as it’s happening and cutting its head off like a snake in the grass.
Looking inward to recognize the behavior and having the willingness to change it, even when you notice it and don’t act on it, is a step in the right direction. It makes me feel better about being me. I know that when I don’t feel good about myself, it’s a recipe for my green-eyed monster to rear her ugly head. This makes it important for me to be nice to myself. That doesn’t always make the feeling go away but it does help me to be a better steward of the energy when it shows up. 90% of the time no one else knows how I’m feel, but I have acknowledged it and turned it over to be sorted out by the life force energy that I believe to be much smarter than me, especially when I am in that state of mind.
Maybe the invitation isn’t to figure out why you are the way you are. Maybe it’s simply to notice what comes up without making yourself wrong for it.
What is the thing in you that you keep trying to fix, understand, justify, or get rid of? What if, just for today, you stopped asking why it’s there and simply noticed it when it arrived? What if you loved yourself while it was there instead of waiting for it to leave before deciding you were worthy of that love?
I don’t know what your truth is. I’m still learning mine. But maybe our truth has a better chance of finding us when we stop trying so hard to figure ourselves out and get quiet enough to hear it.
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